by thoughtsatlarge


Is this the hand of BlinkerMan?

This is the story of one Lionel Moore, accountant, pizza aficionado and, who, on a cold March morning, became the hero/vigilante known as BlinkerMan.

Where he came from and where he lives now does not matter. The car he drives is known only in whispers and hushed tones, based on the unreliable reports of witnesses and passersby. Some claim it to be an old Mercury Grand Marquis, the color of which is debated as grey, tan or white. Others claim it is either a Honda CR-V or a Toyota RAV4. Still others claim it is not a car at all, but a blue 1964 Vespa. His actions have taken place in areas as widespread as Middletown, Rhode Island and Storrs, Connecticut to Burke, Virginia and Houston, Texas. It seems the only thing people can agree on, whether supporters or detractors, is that he was there and he made a difference.

The first reported incident occurred in Rhode Island in March of 1983 in the town neighboring that picturesque seaside tourist destination, Newport. Witnesses claim that following one particularly long red light on West Main Road, a disadvantaged late model red Ford Explorer, devoid of the once ubiquitous directional stem coming off of the steering column changed lanes without notice. According to eyewitnesses, what followed is reported here:

“All I did was change lanes,” claims Bob (whose last name was withheld at his request).

“It’s true,” said 86 year old Mary P. of Bristol, “I was behind him when he suddenly pulled in front of me. There was no warning, no directional light, nothing!”
Thanks to the cat-like reflexes of Mary P. she was able to swerve onto the sidewalk and avoid an accident only to mow down the prized rose bush of Middletown resident Sadie McQwerty and come to a stop only after pinning her rose bush and mailbox to Ms. McQwerty’s garage door.

“It’s sad,” said Ms. McQwerty, “Where is the governmental oversight? How can we, as law abiding citizens, be forced to purchase automobiles without the directional stem being required on all cars? There was a time once, when all cars had blinkers. Not now. I can’t believe we have to endure this. I miss that rose bush. You know, I tried to prune it back after the accident to see if it could be saved, but her rear tire snapped the bud union and there was no saving it.”

Which leaves this reporter to wonder, was Ms. McQwerty’s rose bush the first fatality caused by the automobile manufacturer’s assembly line malfeasance? Of course, what happened next caused a statewide stir and generated newspaper headlines and letters to the editor for weeks afterward.

According to Bob (whose last name is still being withheld at his request), unaware of the rose bush murder taking place behind him, he continued northward on West Main Road when:

“All of a sudden, this car came up on the right side of my Explorer and, out of the corner of my eye I saw his driver’s side window going down. The next thing I knew my passenger side window exploded inward, covering the Big Mac I was eating while driving in shards of broken glass, and lying next to my fries, covered in special sauce was a directional stem! I took the stem, wiped the special sauce on my shirt and stuck it in the hole on the steering column in which I used to keep my lit cigarette while I was texting and driving. It fit like a charm! I clicked it down and the left blinker blinked! I clicked it up and the right blinker blinked! I don’t know who that person was but they’re a hero to me!”

And so it was that reports started to surface, first in Rhode Island and then further out into Connecticut of windows being smashed and directional stems appearing. In one particularly strange occurrence, outside of a Panera north of Houston, Texas last week, a patron who had arrived at the restaurant earlier in the afternoon found a directional stem tucked under the windshield wiper of their pickup truck.

“What struck me odd, in addition to the stem, which I had never seen before, was how BlinkerMan was able to get it up under the windshield wiper of my truck. As you can see, my truck is a good twelve feet off the ground.”

As if to prove the point, eighteen year old Austin Bibble removed the specially constructed stepladder assembly from under his truck’s chassis and leaned it against the open driver’s side door in order to climb up into his vehicle.

“See, it’s not easy! I don’t know how he did it. Oh, look, I can see Oklahoma from up here!”

Reports of this kind now seem commonplace across America. It seems that BlinkerMan continues to traverse the roadways of our nation, constantly on the prowl for cars not equipped with directionals, smashing windows and leaving their startled drivers with a safety device once under consideration by many in Washington, D.C. as mandatory and in the public’s best interest, but whose existence was snuffed out by the ever behemoth NRA who claimed back in 2006 that the requirement of these implements was an infringement of the Second Amendment.

“We fought to have that particular piece of legislation struck down because it was only created by misinformed and uneducated liberals who sought to penalize the good law abiding people of this country by requiring this so-called “safety” device. We saw it for what it was, a backdoor attempt to extend this to a national gun registry and the first steps toward a run up to a national Day of Confiscation of all guns,” replied Wayne LaPierre while clutching his custom red, white and blue leather wrapped AR-15 with a particularly fetching American flag wrapped silencer.

When asked if he ever personally used the directional in his car, Mr. LaPierre replied, “I have told my driver to NEVER use that symbol of an overreaching Obamastan tyrannical government, or I would shoot him.”

Attempts to reach BlinkerMan have failed repeatedly. Requests posted on his Facebook page and Twitter accounts have gone unanswered. Unconfirmed reports out of Hollywood claim that a movie version is being planned with Woody Allen in the lead role and Lon Chaney in full Phantom of the Opera makeup as Wayne LaPierre. According to Mr. Allen, “Hey, it can’t be worse than the Hulk.”

Phantom Wayne

Phantom Wayne

Here is a How-To link for those unfamiliar with the concept. More on this story as it develops. Until then, drive safely.