Happiness is a Warm Gun

by thoughtsatlarge

I get it.  I finally understand the NRA and the Second Amendment.  Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.  No gun has ever lifted up and fired itself and the only species with an opposable thumb capable of that kind of muscle control is the human.  Damn humans.  Of course, it’s only the crazies that ever cause any problems.  In fact, since there are 100,000 people shot in America every year, that’s a lot of crazies.  There’s clearly a problem with the mental health system in this country. 

The second amendment reads: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”  I’m in.  Where’s the militia into which I can enroll? Oh, it’s not that formal anymore?  Cool!  Where’s my musket?  Oh, you have to provide your own?  Fine.  OK, only one problem.  I can’t find any muskets for sale.  Oh, it doesn’t have to be as musket?  Great!  Any “Arm” will do?  Wonderful!

I just bought a Defendthehomestead AR-15 manufactured by Lookatmeimapatriot, Inc.  It’s a newer model.  The old model was banned under that stupid Assault Weapons Ban, you know, the one that was part of that fornicating Clinton’s liberal agenda under H.R.3355, The Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994.  It stated under Section 110102:

`(30) The term `semiautomatic assault weapon’ means–

`(A) any of the firearms, or copies or duplicates of the firearms in any caliber, known as–

`(i) Norinco, Mitchell, and Poly Technologies Avtomat Kalashnikovs (all models);

`(ii) Action Arms Israeli Military Industries UZI and Galil;

`(iii) Beretta Ar70 (SC-70);

`(iv) Colt AR-15;

`(v) Fabrique National FN/FAL, FN/LAR, and FNC;

`(vi) SWD M-10, M-11, M-11/9, and M-12;

`(vii) Steyr AUG;

`(viii) INTRATEC TEC-9, TEC-DC9 and TEC-22; and

`(ix) revolving cylinder shotguns, such as (or similar to) the Street Sweeper and Striker 12;

`(B) a semiautomatic rifle that has an ability to accept a detachable magazine and has at least 2 of–

`(i) a folding or telescoping stock;

`(ii) a pistol grip that protrudes conspicuously beneath the action of the weapon;

`(iii) a bayonet mount;

`(iv) a flash suppressor or threaded barrel designed to accommodate a flash suppressor; and

`(v) a grenade launcher;

`(C) a semiautomatic pistol that has an ability to accept a detachable magazine and has at least 2 of–

`(i) an ammunition magazine that attaches to the pistol outside of the pistol grip;

`(ii) a threaded barrel capable of accepting a barrel extender, flash suppressor, forward handgrip, or silencer;

`(iii) a shroud that is attached to, or partially or completely encircles, the barrel and that permits the shooter to hold the firearm with the nontrigger hand without being burned;

`(iv) a manufactured weight of 50 ounces or more when the pistol is unloaded; and

`(v) a semiautomatic version of an automatic firearm; and

`(D) a semiautomatic shotgun that has at least 2 of–

`(i) a folding or telescoping stock;

`(ii) a pistol grip that protrudes conspicuously beneath the action of the weapon;

`(iii) a fixed magazine capacity in excess of 5 rounds; and

`(iv) an ability to accept a detachable magazine.’.

Thankfully, that piece of eastern, intellectual, elitist, liberal, socialism was allowed to expire in 2004.  Who knew laws had expiration dates!  Mine was not on the list because the manufacturer changed the color of my Defendthehomestead from “Black” to “Slightly Darker Black,” thus getting around the law.  I was also able to buy (actually, they were giving it away as part of a sales promotion) a large capacity magazine capable of holding 6 million rounds, a flash suppressor, pistol grip and grenade launcher.  It’s a little heavy, but I dare anyone to break into my house now!  I keep it under my bed (which is now 4 feet off the ground), loaded and with the safety off.  Safeties are for sissies.  The little kids want to play with it, but I grunt and scratch and they run back to playing God of War II and watching Scarface.  “Just hit ‘reset’, Johnny!”

I also recently bought a tank for the front yard and missile defense system for the backyard (which might explain the lack of birds at the birdfeeder. I’ll have to talk with the Audubon society about that.  Clearly there are some birds with mental problems too.)  We have a small lake behind our house and I’ve asked the home owner’s association if it would be alright for me to tie-up my battleship there.  I wanted a submarine, but the deterrent factor wasn’t the same.  I’m sure the Socialist Party (some still call it the Democratic Party) will have a problem with it, but I belong to Republican, Inc., the newly formed conglomeration of the old Republican Party, big business and lobbyists, now acting as the political wing of my beloved NRA, so they’ll have to come pry my battleship from my cold, dead, opposable thumb capable hands. 

I know everything about everything, and I’d like to discuss loosening the python-like grip of constricting gun laws in this country, but I’ve been told to believe by my NRA leadership (who must have much bigger weapons than me), that the “events” in Colorado are still too raw to allow a discussion on gun control.  That’s politics and, God knows, talking can be deadly.  God Bless the U.S. of (NR)A.